Distractions
by Please.Insert.Name
Summary: Amy and Rory are planning a surprise party for the Doctor, River is tasked with distracting him, and she has more than a few ideas...


The Doctor looked at the console, his eyebrows knitting together making him look as if he was trying to solve a particularly difficult crossword. Sharply contrasting to him was River. She leaned against the padded railing, looking perfectly at ease as she enjoyed her husband's confusion. He thought that was a bit much, didn't wedding vows say something about love? Surely if she loved him she would tell him what she had changed...

"What have you done?" asked the Doctor for the third time. He prodded something that looked a bit like a giant aerial, pulling it back before letting it go with a sharp 'ping'.

"Nothing, sweetie, you're getting paranoid in your old age," said River, smiling at him. It was a smile that just screamed 'I know something you don't and I'm going to keep it that way.' Oh, how he hated it.

"I'm only 907," muttered the Doctor, walking round the consul, bent over so he could peer at the centre of the TARDIS.

"Oh, yes, I do like them young," drawled River, pushing off the railing to follow him.

"Cradle robber."

"Mama's boy," retorted River.

"The Oedipus theory was proven incorrect in 2031," said the Doctor, smiling slightly.

"I'm sure there are some parts of that theory that are perfectly sound."

"What have you done?" It seemed the Doctor was in a loop, only able to go so long before asking that question again, this time frustration seeped into his tone, and River knew it was nearly time to enter Phase Two of Operation: Distract Doctor... this would be fun.

"Now if I told you that, darling, then it wouldn't be a surprise," admonished River.

"So you _have_ done something! Right then, this wasn't as polished before, so here!" deduced the Doctor, pointing triumphantly to a yellow button.

"You're below freezing," deadpanned River.

"Here?" asked the Doctor hopefully, his hand now resting on a purple leaver.

"Getting slightly warmer," admitted River.

After making a few more guesses, the Doctor sat back, his shoulders slightly slumped. Resting his feet on the console, he looked River in the eye, a smile playing on his features.

"If you don't tell me we'll never have sex again," he threatened, his smile growing only bigger.

"Believe me, that is an empty threat. You simply can't resist me, sweetie," replied River smoothly.

"I bet I could," challenged the Doctor, a glint in his eye.

"As much as I'd love to prove you wrong, you're a little bit too young for my tastes," said River quietly, her eyes sparkling with barely concealed promises.

"Like it's mattered before," muttered the Doctor,

"Are you implying something, Doctor?" asked River, the words coated in ice.

"No, no... I was merely..." gulped the Doctor, his brilliant mind having temporarily left the TARDIS. 907 years under his belt, and he still couldn't calm an irate woman. Maybe it was a gender thing.

"These aren't just for discipline you know," purred River, sliding up to him seductively, and spinning the handcuffs round her index finger. Feeling his hearts beat a little quicker, his brain almost short circuiting in anticipation…. He wasn't disappointed. Nimble fingers unbuttoned his shirt, and he shucked off his jacket to allow her more access. Pulling the braces down so they were dangling by his side, River surveyed him, and the Doctor gulped, feeling very much like an animal in a zoo... Well, if an animal enjoyed being looked at. Leaning in for a kiss, he felt her fingers pass over his lips, preventing him from meeting his target.

"Why are you stopping?" he asked, his voice rough.

"Sorry, sweetie, you're definitely still too young," sighed River, as if this was some great tragedy to be mourned by all.

"Then what are... hey!" exclaimed the Doctor, feeling the cool metal of the handcuffs encase his right wrist, before being dragged over to the console. He may not have had any in a long time, but he was pretty sure it never worked like this.

"As I was saying, these handcuffs aren't just for discipline, but I'm sure I can make an exception," said River smugly, surveying the dishevelled Doctor. His shirt was unbuttoned, and untucked, his eyes burning with a passion that could match any sun with its intensity.

"Let me go!" Passion was fast turning into annoyance, and River knew there would he hell to pay for this. Luckily she followed the 'live for the moment' philosophy, and really, this was quite a moment.

Unfortunately, the moment ended when Amy and Rory entered.

"River, we only asked you to distract him for a while," said Rory, his eyes trying not to look at the Doctor.

"Believe me, he was distracted," replied River, smiling devilishly. Rory gulped slightly, seeing just for a moment why she and the Doctor were married. Poor man.

"I don't doubt it, but everything's ready, we were just wondering where you were," said Amy. Personally Rory thought she looked a little too delighted for a supposedly married woman, but repressed his objections. There were just some things he never, ever wanted to discuss.

"I _am_ here you know! Amy, uncuff me now!" interjected the Doctor, his right arm pulling uselessly at the handcuffs.

"Sorry, River, but the fish sticks and custard will go to waste," said Amy, "Give me the key."

"Let me get a head start first," whispered River, wondering just how angry the Doctor was at this. She loved an angry Doctor, so this should be fun.

"Deal," said Amy, taking the key from the older woman.

"Where have you been?" asked the Doctor, as Amy freed him "I could have used some back-up."

"The TARDIS told us it was your birthday, or whatever Time Lords call it, so we thought we'd have a party," replied Amy, "It was supposed to be a surprise, but I think you've had enough today."

"Sorry, but could it wait until I've found River?" asked the Doctor, his lips curling into an evil smile.

"It's your birthday," said Amy, by way of answer, a worried expression flitting across her features.

"Excellent, see you in five! River? I'm coming!" yelled the Doctor, running from the control room.

"Try an catch me, sweetie!" came River's voice from somewhere within the bowels of the ship.

"Rory-" started Amy.

"No, there is no way I'm eating it if he isn't back in time!"

* * *

><p><em>AN: This is my first humorous - well, hopefully - fic for Doctor Who, and I don't have the foggiest where it came from! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, and I would appreciate it if you dropped me a review :)_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who *sigh*_

_I apologise for any spelling and/or grammar mistakes contained within this story._


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